Forty-five-year-old Sara shares, “I tried, but I couldn’t stop myself from over-explaining. I would hear myself, yet the urge to continue was overpowering. Every conversation was a struggle.” She continues, “It was exhausting and confusing. But now that you’ve helped me understand the underlying causes of my behavior, my life has transformed significantly. Thank you.” This compelling testimony underscores the positive news: the inclination to over-explain can be overcome.
What is over-explaining? It’s an excessive need to elaborate on actions, situations, or thoughts. This frustrating trait is common among adults, but the compulsion to over-explain isn’t just a bad habit; it often stems from deeper psychological issues. Renowned Canadian trauma expert Dr. Gabor Maté explains that children in persistently stressful, unstable environments often develop heightened sensitivity to others’ reactions. This hyper-awareness can lead to over-explaining as a strategy to mitigate potential criticism or disapproval. Over-explaining thus becomes a protective shield, a proactive defense to ensure they aren’t misunderstood or rejected.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a pioneer in trauma research, emphasizes that early traumatic experiences can imprint lasting behavioral patterns aimed at securing safety and approval. Children develop the habit to avoid punishment, cope with neglect, or evade excessive emotional pain. Whether dealing with overly critical parents, inconsistent caregivers, or traumatic events, children adopt over-explaining as a survival strategy. As these children grow into adults, the habit of over-explaining becomes deeply ingrained. However, what served a protective function in childhood often leads to anxiety and strained relationships in adulthood. Over-explainers constantly fear they won’t be taken seriously or that their credibility is questioned.
In school settings, children might provide exhaustive explanations for their work, fearing a simple answer won’t suffice. Teachers may notice this as a sign of a deeper need for reassurance and validation. Adults who habitually over-explain do so unconsciously, often to avert potential criticism, avoid conflict, or gain validation. Dr. Brené Brown notes that over-explaining is often rooted in a deep-seated fear of vulnerability and shame. People who over-explain are often trying to control how others perceive them, minimizing feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. Over-explaining can manifest in long-winded emails, lengthy justifications during meetings, and excessive descriptions in casual conversations. Professionally, it can hinder communication, as colleagues may perceive over-explainers as lacking confidence or being overly defensive, undermining their perceived competence.
Friends, partners, and colleagues often feel wearied by the unnecessary barrage of details, creating friction and misunderstandings, leading to social avoidance of the over-explainer. The emotional toll on the over-explainer can be significant, feeling isolated and misunderstood, ironically reinforcing their need to over-explain. Constantly needing to explain oneself can erode self-esteem, promote anxiety, and lead to feelings of inadequacy and exhaustion. The connection between over-explaining and trauma is well-documented. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains how traumatic experiences can fundamentally alter the brain’s stress response systems, leaving individuals hyper-vigilant and prone to over-explaining as a means of managing anxiety and maintaining control. Trauma survivors may over-explain to ensure they aren’t misinterpreted or blamed, reflecting a deep-seated fear rooted in past experiences.
The path to resolution involves more than surface-level intervention. A multifaceted approach is needed to help individuals process lasting change. Trauma-informed therapy, as advocated by specialists like Maté and van der Kolk, offers a path to understanding and healing deeply rooted behaviors. It involves acknowledging past distresses, understanding their impact on mind and body, and integrating these experiences to move forward differently. Because trauma occurs in the absence of an empathetic other, it’s critical to work with a trained professional who provides the safety and tools necessary to change these patterns. Practical communication strategies, such as setting boundaries, using ‘I’ statements, and practicing active listening, can help convey thoughts and feelings without over-explaining. Developing self-awareness through mindfulness practices, such as journaling, meditation, or mindful breathing, can help recognize patterns of over-explaining. Engaging in activities that build self-confidence, such as public speaking, assertiveness training, martial arts, and actively setting personal boundaries, can reduce the compulsion to seek external validation. Seeking feedback from trusted friends or mentors can offer insights and support in curbing over-explaining tendencies.
Over-explaining is a learned behavior deeply intertwined with personal history and childhood emotional landscape. It requires a compassionate and informed approach to untangle these roots and foster new, healthy communication patterns. By understanding its origins, acknowledging its impact, and actively seeking to address it, you can reduce the anxiety and hyper-vigilance that drive over-explaining. You can embrace a future of empowered, authentic communication with confidence and clarity. For support, visit www.drgeraldine.com (trauma-certified professional).
