Miley Cyrus famously sang, “I can buy myself flowers…I can take myself dancing…I can hold my own hand…” But while modern society celebrates female independence, the reality is that hyper-independence in women is quietly contributing to an unprecedented rise in midlife divorces. Hyper-independence is an over-reliance on oneself, where vulnerability feels deeply triggering, and sharing emotions feels like exposure. This failure to connect deeply with partners creates emotional barriers, straining long-term relationships and leading to loneliness and isolation for both men and women.
Gray Divorce: A Growing Trend
The statistics are hard to ignore. Divorce rates among people over 50—commonly referred to as “gray divorce”—have doubled since the 1990s, with women increasingly initiating these splits. Many factors contribute to this rise, but hyper-independence, especially in women who have been in “survival mode” for years or decades, is a key factor that deserves attention.
Hyper-independence: A Real Coping Mechanism
There is an undeniable connection between childhood experiences, hyper-independence, and midlife divorce. To fully understand this, we must first explore how childhood shapes behavior. Hyper-independence often results from early childhood experiences such as neglect or abandonment, leading the child to adopt a “do-it-yourself” mentality to survive her circumstances. This belief that she can only rely on herself for safety and stability initially supports all her endeavors in life, including career and family success, and so she learns to wear hyper-independence as a non-negotiable badge of honor.
The Role of Society
Hyper-independence in women is further fueled by societal pressures and women’s self-expectations to “do it all.” Women are expected to balance careers, care-giving, and relationships without missing a beat. In a culture that values self-reliance and endurance, asking for help is often unthinkable. The pressure to be the perfect partner/mother/professional often leads to burnout and feelings of deep isolation, especially when compounded by the emotional upheaval of menopause.
Midlife Manifestation
This often looks like a woman struggling to rely on her partner, feeling unable to express her emotions, fears, and needs without fear of judgment, or finding it difficult to ask for support when she feels uncertain or insecure. For men, seeing their partners pull away emotionally without fully understanding the underlying distress can lead to feelings of helplessness. Many men don’t understand why their partners can’t lean on them. Men typically feel the need to be the strong one in the relationship, but their partners’ hyper-independence can leave them feeling disconnected and confused.
Over time, this can lead to emotional detachment on both sides, making it harder to connect. Women appear inaccessible in these situations and are often seen as emotionally distant or detached, with their behavior interpreted as coldness or disinterest. In reality, these women could be struggling with a deeply ingrained belief that asking for help could expose them to the very pain they’ve worked so hard to avoid all their lives.
The Casualty in The Perfect Storm
Many women in their 40s and 50s find themselves at a crossroads. Physically and emotionally, they are undergoing seismic shifts, and the coping mechanisms they’ve relied on for so long—self-sufficiency, control, perfectionism—can start to feel more like burdens than strengths. As their bodies change, many women start to reassess their relationships, their roles, and their personal needs. They start to question the components of their life’s purposes.
For women with hyper-independent tendencies, this self-assessment can be brutal. The emotional armor they’ve worn for years begins to feel suffocating. The realization that they’ve never truly leaned on anyone—least of all their spouse—can be jarring. The gap between real emotional needs and the hyper-independent façade can widen, and the personal pressure intensifies. Something has to give. Far too often, the casualty is the marriage.
Healing the Divide: What Women Can Do
1. Acknowledge Trauma: The first step in healing is recognizing that hyper-independence is often a trauma-based response. Therapy, particularly trauma-informed approaches, can help women unpack the emotional baggage they’ve carried for years and start to challenge the belief that they must face everything alone.
2. Practice Vulnerability: It can feel terrifying, yet it’s essential for deepening emotional intimacy in relationships. Women can learn to ask for help, express needs, and be open about struggles. Asking for help is strength, not weakness.
3. Redefine Independence: Yes, women can do whatever they set their minds to do, but they don’t have to do it alone. Independence doesn’t have to mean isolation. Healthy independence allows for connection, collaboration, and emotional interdependence. Women can work on developing a sense of self that includes others, and recognizing that strength can coexist with vulnerability.
4. Reframe Midlife as an Opportunity for Growth: Rather than viewing menopause as a time that is purely loss or disruption, it can be reframed as a period of transformation, one that is as necessary as the change in seasons, noticing opportunities for expansion and growth in new directions.
5. Avoid Survival Thinking: Unconsciously choosing “me” over “us” vs consciously choosing the relationship.
How Men Can Support Hyper-Independent Partners
1. Be Compassionate: Recognize that emotional withdrawal isn’t personal but often stems from unresolved emotions.
2. Reassure Your Partner That You Are Committed: Prove to her that she can rely on you.
3. Be Her Safe Place, Consistently.
4. Frame Conversations as a “Curiosity Mission”: Ask, “Can you help me understand why?”
5. Encourage Collaboration Rather Than the Blame Game.
Conclusion
Yes, women can absolutely buy themselves flowers and take themselves dancing, but as author Emery Allen said: “You don't need another Human Being to make your life complete, but let's be honest. Having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn't see them as disasters in your soul, but cracks to put their love into, is the most calming thing in this world.” It may well be worth the effort.
For support, visit www.drgeraldine.com
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