Is it an unattainable role? Graham Taylor encapsulated the essence of the England management experience when he raged and flailed in a Rotterdam dugout, providing us with entertainment. However, since Walter Winterbottom changed desks at the FA HQ in 1946, managing the England team has been a complex and contradictory challenge. We've witnessed the best managerial minds of several generations succumb to its intricacies, with the heavy historical burdens on and off the field seeping into the psyches of even the most meticulous football minds.
Fabio Capello, a legendary coach whose lack of PR acumen ignited a fire that consumed his England tenure, once pointed to his head to illustrate the insurmountable obstacle to success. He was, of course, referring to his players, but it felt like a Freudian slip. From faith healers to Parisian boating trips, this is a job where a single poor decision or careless remark can alter your legacy. By the end of his tenure, 75% of Gareth Southgate's role involved dodging these pitfalls with weary dignity, only for his interim replacement, Lee Carsley, to stumble into them all at once.
Having gone to great lengths to pretend this job was no different from managing the under-21s, Carsley has melted under the spotlight, his audition becoming a one-man show: 'How Not to Manage England.' So, who's next? The Carsley project seemed a convenient way to mask the scarcity of available homegrown options—there are four English managers in the Premier League, three of whom are currently in the bottom five. This week, there has been a clear shift towards a foreign manager, familiar with both the English game and the art of lifting trophies.
Reports surfaced that Pep Guardiola was contacted by the FA over the summer to gauge his interest, and he didn't just laugh until the line went dead. It's hard to imagine why, even amid Manchester City's current uncertainties, Guardiola would accept a rapid reduction in pay and trophies, in exchange for a sharp rise in tedious press conferences and general hassle. Perhaps the FA suits hoped Pep might be seduced by the historical impossibility of the England job, akin to an ancient unsolved puzzle carved on a monolith. But things move quickly in the intense heat and noise of an international break, and by Tuesday morning, the FA had moved on to another tactical expert with his mark on the Big Cup: Tommy T!
Having left Bayern Munich at the end of last season, Thomas Tuchel is available and now in advanced talks to take the reins from an ashen, trembling Carsley. As with Guardiola, a German as England manager would necessitate an all-access documentary series: a Heston x Little Chef for the streaming era. Imagine the scene: Tuchel in a Three Lions cap and gilet, ready to discuss inverted full-backs, instead being asked by a gallery of red-faced journalists why he refuses to sing our national anthem. Any thoughts on 'Ten German Bombers,' Thomas? Where do you stand on the woke agenda?
The idea of hiring a successful, talented manager focused on what happens on the pitch and parachuting him into a job fraught with off-field challenges is undeniably intriguing. Much like Blumenthal's high-concept adventures on Britain's A-roads, it will surely end in tears—but just as when Taylor howled into the void 30 years ago, it will be impossible to look away.
