A few months ago, Sarah approached me for assistance in dealing with her severe anxiety. She was frequently overwhelmed by everything, and her ten-year marriage was fraught with tension, constant misunderstandings, and full-blown fights. She loved her partner but was bewildered by her intense anger and criticism towards him. Her husband, Mark, was equally perplexed, feeling increasingly distant and helpless, unable to comprehend or manage her sudden emotional shifts. This cycle of unrest not only strained their marriage but also left them both feeling isolated, unacknowledged, and unappreciated. Unfortunately, their story is not uncommon. Upon investigation, we discovered that Sarah had multiple unresolved childhood traumas. This case inspired me to discuss how unresolved trauma disrupts the very fabric of intimate adult relationships.
Leading experts in trauma have extensively explored how conflicts in relationships often stem from unresolved traumas. This can manifest as intense emotional and behavioral surges that easily lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and a breakdown in communication. These responses are not merely reactions to the present situation but are often linked to past experiences that haven't been fully processed or healed. According to psychotherapist Bessel van der Kolk, trauma is any experience that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, leaving them feeling helpless, horrified, and profoundly unsafe. This includes childhood neglect, childhood abuse, early parental attachment disruptions, a car accident, natural/man-made disasters, etc., all of which significantly disrupt a person’s sense of safety on a fundamental level. Author and trauma therapist Resmaa Menakem further describes trauma as a deeply distressing experience that can embed itself in the body, manifesting through physical sensations and long-lasting emotional impacts. He provides examples of cultural imprinting such as racial violence or enduring childhood abuse, which can embed deep intrusion in the body, showing up as chronic pain or persistent emotional distress. This level of internal distress explains why it may be difficult to build harmonious relationships with others.
Traumatic experiences create imprints in the mind and body, which can show up as emotional reactivity in relationships. Unresolved trauma can resurface in ways that disrupt daily life: individuals can experience emotional numbing or be overly sensitive, resulting in difficulty with trust and intimacy. Typical responses that can be rooted in trauma include “unexplained” instinctive gut responses, anger, withdrawal, and criticism. Memories of trauma can be triggered by certain situations and interactions, leading to instinctive gut reactions or responses which may have no validation in the moment. Trauma disrupts normal functioning of the nervous system, and while these instinctive gut responses are necessary adjustments for survival in the moment of trauma, they can later lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and distress in relationships. Anger is a deeply rooted protective response to feeling threatened or vulnerable. Even though the actual danger is minimal, or perhaps non-existent in that moment, anger may feel like the only way out. Withdrawal is another common response, where some people consistently avoid crucial conversations, literally running from the situation – the flight response. This is a profound and deeply rooted self-protective mechanism. Trauma-based responses can reveal themselves as withdrawal, sudden emotional shifts, or seemingly irrational fears, confusing both trauma survivor and their partner. Criticism is another manifestation, where focusing on the perceived flaws of others deflects attention from one's own fears and insecurities. Trauma often creates a part within a person to strongly avoid vulnerability. These protective parts are defense mechanisms developed to shield the core self from further emotional harm. But while criticism may be self-protective, it creates further relationship disorder through negativity and blame. Lack of perception is another issue, where trauma can impair the ability to read social cues accurately and respond appropriately, leading to miscommunications and conflict.
After working with me for several weeks, Sarah realized that her instinctive physical and emotional reactions stemmed from learned behaviors due to her traumatic childhood experiences. She understood that her husband, Mark, was not the enemy; rather, it was her programmed responses that were the real issue. Her marital relationship improved dramatically as she started to unlearn the deeply embedded imprints of her distress. Change is possible if you seek the help of a professional. By combining the trauma-informed mind and body-based therapies, and learning effective communication strategies, you can learn to express needs and resolve conflicts without resorting to defensive or maladaptive behaviors. Trauma results in a poorly organized experience of the whole self: the mind and body begin to lack coherence. This distorts the ability to share reliable and nurturing exchanges with others. While the traumatic experience was not your fault, you can take charge of your wellness now.
**Disclaimer: Humans are complex. Please do not use this article to diagnose self or others. Seek the help of a qualified professional.
