Women are natural caretakers. Most are also problem-solvers and the 'go-to' persons for those around them, but beneath this outward helpfulness, many women struggle with 'people-pleasing' behavior—a deep need to make others happy, even at the expense of their own well-being. While everyone loves an easy-going character, this behavior can become particularly problematic for the 'people-pleaser' during the stressful times of perimenopause and menopause.
People-pleasing refers to a pattern of behavior where a person always prioritizes others’ needs and feelings above their own. While being kind and considerate is a positive trait, people-pleasing goes beyond that. It involves a strong fear of disappointing or upsetting others, leading to self-sacrifice and neglect of one’s own needs. Common signs of people-pleasing include saying 'yes' to everything asked of you, even when overwhelmed; constantly seeking approval or validation from others; feeling guilty when putting personal needs first; and avoiding conflict at all costs.
Many people-pleasing behaviors can be traced back to childhood experiences. Parents/caregivers and the home environment are meant to be the source of a child’s safety and stability. Some children grow up in homes where love or approval is conditional—they are only shown love and approval when they are 'good' or do what is expected. These children often develop people-pleasing behaviors as a strategy for survival. They learn that keeping the peace, making others happy, or avoiding conflict is a way to feel safe and accepted.
As adults, these survival strategies can persist long after the threat or instability has gone, leading to deep-rooted patterns of people-pleasing that impact personal and professional relationships. Perimenopause and menopause can be significantly disruptive life transitions, marked by hormonal fluctuations, emotional changes, and increased stress. For many women, this is a time of life when they are juggling multiple responsibilities, while also dealing with the changing landscape of their physical and mental well-being.
For those who have a history of people-pleasing, this phase of life can be particularly challenging as they easily run out of bandwidth and find themselves flailing. Increased stress and overwhelm, difficulty prioritizing self-care, emotional triggers, and loss of identity and resentment are common issues during menopause. Breaking free from people-pleasing is possible, but it requires active steps to change it. Acknowledging and understanding the root, setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, practicing self-compassion, and reaching out for support are key steps towards change.
By understanding the connection between past experiences and present behaviors, women can begin to break the cycle of people-pleasing and prioritize their well-being during this critical time of life. It is possible to navigate menopause with greater peace, balance, and self-compassion.
